grievance

Hey. Yeah it's been awhile. I miss writing. Well to start this post, I think I'd tell you what I've been up and happening when I was away. Nothing much actually. February didn't give me any surprise. Oh there was one! It's finally revealed. His current date. But I think it's no big deal. You know, aint nothing better than knowing someone who dumped you eventually settles with someone who's not even remotely better than ourselves. You know that? Yes I got that feeling. Uncertain whether it was a relief but well, life goes on I guess. Sooner or later it will happen because that's the way it is. It's just bound to happen amongst lover. Fall in love, get hurt and move on.

I pretty much can tell, I've moved on. I've walked far from the point I used to get stuck at because I chose to. Once again, life goes on and time will never wait. I don't want to waste a tad bit second for something that's not worth doing. Having said that, I can say, it's not that smooth. Along the way, I've met several guys. However, nothing seems to be the "one". As usual, they come and go as they like.

On a related news, I recently met this one guy whom I know from internet. Yeah typical. These days, we find everything on the internet. But with this guy though, albeit it's just been going for a short time, it feels different.

I like him? Yes. He's intelligent. He's smart. I'm attracted to him although never once I see his photo clearly. He knows how to treat me. He treats me like a lady. We talk along. We admit that we can get along JUST fine.

HOWEVER, I don't think we'll be going far. By today, which is the 4th day, I feel something weird already.

I look for him when he's not around. I miss him. I get used to his presence by the second day. We talk on the phone. We chat a lot. But tonite, something is just bound to happen. I'm not sure what it is but it feels wrong.

Should I follow my intuition? If so, I can pretty much say, in time, I'll be disappointed and broken hearted again.

Oh life, you seem to force me to make another lemon tea from your lemons.

mono

Sometimes I feel like I live in the world with people who don't belong to my world, or perhaps I'm the one who doesn't belong to their world. They're cheaters. They're fake. They're pretentious. They're too talented. They're too smart. They're too lucky.

Can this get any worse? When someday, eventually, I decide to just stop my blood flowing in order to let the world, my own world, revives only around me?

A Break Up

Salah satu hal yang pengen banget gue lakuin di tahun 2012 ini adalah lebih aktif menulis. Tahun 2011 bukan tahun yang produktif buat gue dalam hal menulis. So, di tahun 2012 ini gue mau banyak menulis. Dan kemungkinan besar, dengan Bahasa Indonesia. Hemh, campur-campur deh ya? :D

Okay, ini tulisan pertama gue di tahun 2012. Mungkin bukan tema yang bagus untuk mengawali awal tahun dengan mengungkit masa lalu, tapi niat gue adalah mau berbagi cerita atau mungkin membuat sebuah pengakuan yang syukur-syukur ada hikmahnya buat kalian. Briefly, it's about a break up. Kalo lo liat twit gue dari awal November sampai December kemarin emo banget alis galau, mungkin ada yang udah bisa nebak gue baru putus cinta. Yes, I just went through a break up. And oh my goodness, it hurt like hell.

Ga ada yang bilang perpisahan itu mudah dan ga sakit. Kecuali bagi mereka yang emang mengharapkan perpisahan kali ya. But trust me, no good-byes are easy. Seperti gue, gue baru aja pisah sama.. —errr what should I label him— sama cowo yang udah merajut dan menjalin kasih selama 17 bulan sama gue. Sadly, he's not my boyfriend. He's merely my date.

Saat baru pindah ke Singapura dan menemukan fenomena 'dating', it was such a culture shock for me. Dating bukan official relationship tapi melakukan hal yang sama seperti orang pacaran, katakanlah gitu. Bisa dibilang stage sebelum melangkah ke relationship, tapi beda smaa tahap 'PDKT'. Iya, itu memang tahap pengenalan lebih jauh terhadap pasangan kita. Tapi 'dating' lebih intense dari PDKT. Di saat dating, you can kiss your partner. You can hold their hands and act like real couple.

So, that's what I had been doing with him —a 27 year old Singaporean guy— for almost 17 months. Sebenernya untuk tahap 'dating', 17 bulan itu lama banget. Normally, dating only lasts 4 months, that's at its longest. That's why I can tell you guys that this story is sooo complicated. The issue here is actually we are not officially attached as a couple yet everything has gone too far.. Far from our expectations. The guy isn't ready for a commitment and had already told me that in the first place. That's the condition, dia ga mau berkomitmen sampe dia berumur 30 tahun dengan alasannya sendiri. Gue bisa terima itu. I was fine about it because I think that's his principle and I should respect it.

Seiring dengan condition yg dia kasih ke gue —hubungan tanpa komitmen—, gue juga kasih dia satu syarat. Syarat itu begini "I don't need a label or status between us. As long as we're dating exclusive, I'm fine". Ya, gue mau gue dan dia dating exclusive. Apa itu dating exclusive? Itu artinya dia cuma bisa dating sama gue, as in no other girls but me. Gue ga mau ada cewe lain diantara gue sama dia. Although we're not an item, we're exclusive.

Kalo dipikir-pikir, sebenernya prinsip kita saling bertabrakan. Dia ga mau berkomitmen pasti atas dasar kebebasan dong? Dan gue sebenernya ga suka tuh ketidak-jelasan. Gue ga mau aja dia dating sama gue, jalan tapi ada cewe lain selain gue yang dia ajak jalan juga. There's NO WAY I give anyone a chance to two-time me! Makanya dengan jelas dari awal gue udah bilang gitu ke dia. And he agreed about it! Singkatnya, kita jalan terus. Setiap perubahan sikap dia, itu sangat berarti buat gue. Dari ga pernah bilang 'I miss you' sampai akhirnya dia bilang itu ke gue di bulan ke dua. Iya, baru di bulan ke dua dia mesranya sama gue :(. Sebelumnya ya cuma nonton, jalan, telvon, udah. Nah di bulan ke-tiga, pas waktu Hari Raya Idul Fitri, dia udah bawa gue ke keluarga. Lebaran bareng sama keluarga besarnya. Sebenernya ini juga janggal buat tahap 'dating', karena basically kalo partner udah diajak ketemu keluarga, bearti hubungan beranjak ke satu tahap lebih serius! Tapi gue lagitu mikir prositif aja, mungkin dia ga mau ngebiarin gue ngerayain Lebaran sendirian di negeri orang. Jadilah gue dibawa ke keluarga besarnya.

Bulan ke 5 udah mulai ada percikan api, kayanya dia bosen sama gue. Dia udah mulai 'nakal' sama cewe-cewe lain. Akhirnya saat itu, I gave up. Gue mundur dari dia. Eeeeh emang dasar ya cowo aneh kadang, dia malah nangis depan gue dan ngejar gue lagi :|. Ya karena gue sebenernya udah sayang sama dia, yaudah gue balik lagi sama dia. But apparently, although he cried over me begging me to come back, it didn't change a thing. We were still dating and in fact, things were not getting any better. Di bulan Februari, pas banget valentine, I found out something bad regarding his ex. Bayangin, pas valentine loh. Emang ga ada perayaan berarti saat itu, tapi gue sama dia jalan. Singkatnya, gue pulang berlinang air mata. Ternyata gue berharap terlalu lebih dari dia. He wasn't over his ex yet. Since then, hubungan gue sangat renggang. Dan ternyata itu ngasih kesempatan dia untuk ketemu cewe baru.

Di akhir Februari, ga ada angin ga ada ujan, tiba-tiba dia pasang display picture facebooknya dengan seorang cewe waktu mereka ke Universal Studio Singapore bareng, seminggu setelah hari valentine. MY GOODNESS! so yeah, he cheated on me. Yang jadi masalah besar saat itu sebenernya bukan cuma selingkuh sama ni cewe. Masalah lain juga karena cewe ini jauh lebih berutung dari gue. Selama berbulan-bulan dating sama dia, ga pernah sekalipun dia 'publish' gue publicly. Apalagi di internet. Kita ga pernah foto bareng terus di upload di fb, bahkan nama gue ga pernah sekalipun disebut di fb sama dia. Kenapa FB begitu penting? Of course, karena tanpa disadari, FB adalah tempat dimana lo akan mendapatkan pengakuan secara publik, by friends or even strangers. Kalo lo diumpetin di FB, orang-orang ga tau kalo pasangan lo punya pacar dan kemungkinan dia untuk menjalin 'hal-hal' lain itu sangat besar! Ga perlu disebut nama lo, seengganya untuk mengakui 'you are currently attached' di FB, itu udah cukup.

Okay balik ke cerita. Setelah gue nemuin kejadian itu, kita pisah tanpa kata-kata. I was back to being single again. Hidup gue normal banget. Gue sibukin diri dengan sekolah, kerja, travelling. Briefly, I managed to get over him. Eh ga ada angin ga ada ujan lagi, tau-tau dia balik menghubungi gue lagi dengan alasan mau menuhin janjinya nraktir gue pas ulang tahun! Ya Allah, WHY?! Gue lagitu dilemma. Satu sisi, gue tau dia udah nyakitin gue. Disisi lain, I can't lie that I enjoyed his company. Pengen lagi balik ke dia, mengulang semua cerita. Ya maklumlah ya, gue Taurus. Cukup setia, pemaaf dan melankolis juga (?).

Ya intinya.. Gue balikan lagi sama dia, tapi tetep dating :|. Iiih gue tau kok gue bodoh tapi gimana dong, masalah hati susah tau. Put yourself in my shoes deh, baru tau gimana rasanya. Udah ni. Semenjak itu kita sama-sama lagi. Bahkan sempet LDR selama hampir 2 bulan. Tapi justr pas LDR, semua baik-baik aja. Setelah investigasi sana sini, selama LDR, dia jadi anak yang sangaaat baik. Ga macem-macem. Aah making sayang deh jadinya!! (?). Tapi tetep ya, hubungan gue itu complicated and full of drama. Ujung-ujungnya, gue minta 'mundur' lagi sama da. Abis aga capek juga dengan segala ketidak-jelasan yang ada. Gue udah kasih yang terbaik ke dia (katakanlah gitu), selalu ada buat dia, ga pernah sekalipun gue minta komitmen sama dia, tapi kok gue ngerasa hubungan ini cuma tentang "dia". It was always about 'HIM'. What 'he' wants, what 'he' needs. His ego drives our partnership. Itu yang ngebuat gue cape. Jadi kaya understanding without being understood, giving without getting something in return, and many other things which led to nothingness. So pointless.

Sekali lagi, gue ga butuh label. I don't need label, really. All I need is just wake up in the morning and feel the same way every day. With no worries about our partnership. Tapi itu ga bisa gue dapet. Perhaps yes, I have high expectations on him with the fact that he wouldn't be able to meet my expectations. Tapi sebenernya bisa kok, only if he could put his ego aside. Just like what I did to him?. And at the point of time, I felt like I wasn't being fair to myself. As in, by the fact that he wasn't that serious taking this partnership between us while it was reversed to me. I took it seriously. Dan rasanya ga adil buat gue karena dengan gitu, I didn't give a chance to any guys out there to get to know me. Who knows there's someone who can give me a healthier relationship? Itu ego gue yang berbicara. Makanya saat itu gue minta mundur. Dan dia mengakui kalo dia salah selalu egois dan ga pernah mikirin perasaan gue.

Seminggu setelah itu, dia ke Kuala Lumpur. Setelah balik ke Sg, ga tau ini fate atau gimana, tau-tau sepupunya ngundang gue ke ulang tahunnya. Jelas sepupunya ga tau gue udah so called "putus" sama dia. Karena udah deket banget, akhirnya gue dateng dan ketemu dia lagi :|. Pas pulang-pulang, dia nangis lagi ke gueeee!!!!! :'''( dan ya Tuhanku, keajaiban pun datang. Setelah 15 bulan bersama, akhirnya untuk pertama kalinya dia bilang "I LOVE YOU AMALIA". (He calls me Amalia, fyi). YAH NANGIS TERHARU JUGA DISITU. Nangis terharu karena akhirnya setelah semua drama dan perjalanan yang cukup melelahkan, dia mengakui dia cinta sama gue :'').

Sebenernya, love was something that we always tried to avoid, ignore and deny. Karena basically, kita cuma dating. Ga boleh ada unsur cinta di dalam 'perdatingan' apa lagi antara gue sama dia, because we were afraid it will lead us to a serious relationship, which is something he always tries to avoid. Akhirnya setelah malam itu, gue balik lagi sama dia. Tapi tetep datiing. :''''(

Ya walaupun tetep dating, tapi hubungan beranjak semakin membaik. Jadi lebih mesra. Dan apa ya, seengganya I was so convinced about his feeling. Ngerasa udah semakin yakin aja kalo ternyata, kita bertahan emang karena 'cinta'. Cuma aja kita sungkan dan enggan mengakui itu.

But.. hemh.. somehow, bad thing was just bound to happen. Mungkin yang orang omongin benar, everything is meant to be broken. For no apparent reason, everything fell apart. Scattered. All I can remember, he seemed to be in a big dilemma. Mungkin dia fikir, hubungan gue dan dia semakin kuat tapi dia tetap ga bisa merubah keadaan. Dia tetap harus bertahan dengan prinsipnya untuk ga berkomitmen sampai dia berumur 30 tahun. His friend told me that he loves me, (or maybe I should apply past-tense here, he loved me) but he couldn't let me go. He still needed me by his side. Yet he was still fully aware that he couldn't change a thing to be better, which is unfair on my side.

Jadilah dia pergi meninggalkan gue lagi, tanpa ada yang jelas. Kalo kata Adele, "you left with no good bye not a single word was said". Sebenernya there was a trigger. Lagitu gue pergi sama temen gue, cowok ke Orchard terus ke Dhobby Ghaut. He's just a friend. He's my ex colleague actually. Tapi ya pure temen. Terus dia telfon, asking my whereabouts. Pas tau gue sama cowo, tiba-tiba suara dia berubah dan marah. Pas sampe rumah, dia gue telvon dan ga angkat telfonnya. Berkali-kali. Until finally I gave up. I gave up chasing him.

Gue disitu akhirnya mengambil keputusan untuk ga ngehubungin dia lagi sampai dia menghubungi gue duluan. Dan kenyataannya, sampai detik ini, dia ga ngehubungin gue lagi. So that's it. Maybe this is the end of the story between me and him.

Am I selfish? Mungkin iya. Karena kalo diliat-liat, dia selalu kejar gue pas gue menyerah dan mundur dari dia. Tapi gue ga bisa ngelakuin hal yang dia lakuin karena satu alasan, gue capek. Everything seems to be so unfair to me. Kalo alasan dia ga ngangkat telfon karena dia marah gue jalan sama cowo lain yang sebenernya temen gue doang, he's NOT entitled to do that. In the first place, he himself who's reluctant to commit in me for a reason, dia mau bebas. Dan ini konsekuensi dari keputusannya ga berkomitmen sama gue dengan asas kebebasan. Gue sebenernya berhak jalan sama siapa aja, toh sebenernya status gue single. Dan sebenernya, dia ga berhak begini ke gue. Karena beberapa kali dia jalan sama cewe lain, dan jelas2 publish itu di facebook, gue selalu diam dan mempermasalahkan. Karena satu alasan, I respect his principle. Dan kalo gue nanya, gue salah. Karena kan gue tau dia bukan pacar gue, I have no rights to be jealous nor control him. Lagian gue orangnya simple, sebatas jalan sama cewe lain kalo emang pure temen, silahkan. Asal bilang ke gue dan jujur, gue okay. Kok sekarang gue jalan sama temen gue, dan gue jujur sama dia, dia marah? Dan dia ga mau berkomitmen sama gue, kok dia jealous?

Semua berakhir ngegantung. Dia pergi gitu aja tanpa ninggalin kepastian. Pengen rasanya bikin semua jelas tapi kalo dipikir lagi, ini semua terlalu ga adil buat gue. Di saat gue pergi dan dia ngejar gue, gue selalu disitu. Memaafkan. Buang semua ego gue, ngelupain kesalahan dia. Tapi kenapa susah banget buat dia untuk mengesampingkan egonya? Kenapa gue yang harus kejar dia mengemis demi sebuah kepastian padahal jelas-jelas dia yang punya niat untuk ninggalin gue? Gue udah ngelakuin dan ngasih yang terbaik ke dia tapi kenapa gue yang dibuang gitu aja? Gue yang disakitin kenapa harus gue yang berjuang demi diri gue sendiri karena ditinggal tanpa kepastian?

Dari awal gue harus berjuang sendiri, untuk seengganya ga break-apart. Untuk ga hancur. Untuk mengertia dia, untuk memaafkan dan untuk melupakan kesalahan dia. Dan gue udah ngerasa berjuang. Gue udah ngerasa menarik dia untuk lebih dekat ke gue, mendorong dia untuk yakin sama perasaannya sendiri dan kalo ternyata dia ga gerak, mungkin gue harus berhenti. Dia tetap diam karena dia ga ada kemauan untuk bergerak. Dan mungkin, dia udah mencapai limit diirinya sendiri.

Bukan sekali dua kali dia begini. Datang pergi sesuka hatinya. Dia udah dewasa. Dia udah tau apa yang harus dia lakukan, mana yang salah dan benar. Gue ga mau biasain dirinya untuk datang dan pergi sesuka hatinya. Dilihat dari cara dia memperlakukan gue, dia tahu gue lemah sama dia. Dia ngegampangin gue. Dan dia terus menerus berbuat seperti itu, dia terbiasa kaya gitu karena tanpa disadari, I allow him to do so! Gue yang ngebiarin dia berbuat itu ke gue. I gave him a chance to hurt me. Coba kalo dari awal gue bisa keras sama dia, ga terlalu lemah untuk selalu mengalah dan membiarkan diri gue sendiri tersiksa, he will never go easy on me.

He knows I'm too weak and he takes advantages of it. He thinks I'll always be there and forgive him for all his mistakes. But then, he cant be committed in me. He wanna be free but won't let me be free. Isn't that too selfish? Since the very start, it's always about HIM. What he wants. What he needs. He handles the steer. Kalo gue yang mau pergi, dia kejar gue lagi. Dia tau gue lemah. Akhirnya balik lagi. But when he feels like leaving me, nothing stops him.

Rasanya I've had enough. Biarpun kadang rasa kangen itu masih ada, tapi kok mikir, when will I get true happiness? Sincere love? Kalo gue terus kasih kesempatan ke dia, I'm not being fair to myself because there may be someone else who's better out there. He had decided to leave the boat. If he wants to take the boat again, he has to make effort. He has missed the boat, he has to queue up.

Emang ga segampang itu nerima kenyataan, apalagi yang pahit. Berminggu-minggu gue dihantui pertanyaan-pertanyaan kaya 'when did I go wrong? Why did you leave me? Why is it so unfair? Do I deserve this?'. Tapi ternyata, ga semua hal harus dimengerti. Seperti yang teman gue kasih tau ke gue;

"Sometimes, you don't need to understand everything but just to accept it".

Bener ya? Ada hal-hal yang ga bisa dijawab sekarang, tapi nanti disaat waktu sudah menjatuhkan eksekusinya. Seiring berjalannya waktu, time will reveal it. Mungkin kita justru akan mengerti semuanya disaat kita udah sama orang yang lebih baik lagi.

Dan hal yang tersulit adalah melupakan semua memori dan memaafkan dia. Itu masih jadi PR besar buat gue. Apalagi untuk melupakan semuanya. Tapi hal yang gue selalu berusaha lakukan adalah, untuk ga nyimpen dendam sama dia. Tuhan Maha Adil. What goes around, comes around.

Kalo mau bikin dia nyesel atau sadar, itu semua balik ke diri dia sendiri. It's something beyond our controls. Ga bisa dipaksain. But what I believe is, we have taken our part. So, whether sooner or later, he will take his part too. Maybe it takes someone new to make him realise that being dumped by someone we love hurts like hell. Tapi mungkin itu jalannya. The table will turn someday. Believe, God does it righteously and if He's kind enough, He'll let us watch.

He's something over my control, nothing I can do about it. But I can always control myself. Now, all I can do is just to empower myself to be twice or thrice stronger. Pasti ada hikmah yang bisa gue ambil. Gue sayang sama dia, masih sayang. Gue masih susah lupain dia. But I think I need a break. This is the time when I'm out of the unhealthy relationship and perhaps, along the way, I'll encounter someone who can give me a healthier relationship.

Biarpun sulit, gue harus memaksakan diri gue untuk bisa bilang "I've had enough. I gave you all and there isn't no more". Jangan bertahan untuk sesuatu yang ga sehat. Mencintai bukan sebatas menggenggam, tapi juga melepaskan. Mencintai itu bentuk keseimbangan dari memiliki dan merekalan, menggenggam dan melepaskan, memulai dan menghentikan.

Kadang merelekan dia yang herharap untuk pergi adalah bentuk dari cinta. Ketidak-egoisan kita untuk memaksakan cinta itu sendiri adalah bentuk termurni dari cinta. Apalagi yang bisa kita berikan selain cinta itu sendiri ke orang yang kita cintai? Bedanya, cinta itu kita berikan dalam bentuk yang berbeda. Mensyukuri dia yang kita cintai pernah bersama kita, adalah bentuk terakhir dari cinta. Bahwa setidaknya kita pernah bahagia bersama orang yang kita cintai dan mencintai kita.

Love is all around. As we're still young, have fun. Keep on walking. Until the time when we've found our life-time partner, we are still naïve, so never regret anything that once made you smile. As basically love is easy, we just have to go easy on love.

And for our heart, time heals. Time reveals.

Love,
DindaZein.

Time To Say Thank You To 2011

Somehow, I never make any resolutions when New Year comes. Instead, I make resolutions on my birthday for a reason, to me, my new year is my birthday. But let's embrace the new number in our calendars. 2011 is changing to 2012 in no time. A year went by. Memories were made. Feelings have changed and sometimes our life, too, has changed. For all the despair in 2011, I had so much meaningful lessons and for that, here's something as a closure.

My life has seen yet another year through and I would like to say thank you to 2011 for all the things that had happened.

Thank you to Sue & Kak Ryan for bringing me along and making it as my very first travel to Batam. It was a great celebration of Chinese New Year. The high tea at Shangri-La hotel was splendid, too.

Thank you for letting me visit Kuala Lumpur again. and for this time, I'm sending another gratitude for sending me Febrina Medya as a helpful guide. I enjoyed it.

Thank you for the awesome trip to Bali, Lombok & Gili Trawangan as my birthday present. It was a really really astounding and wonderful trip. I fell in love with Gili Trawangan and made a promise I'll return again someday. I sure will.

Thank you for the excellent job and the salary increment you gave me. I did enjoy my job, and still do.

Thank you for the adorable colleagues. Never knew they would make good friends, even better than my school mates.

Thank your for the affair. It was bittersweet but made me a much stronger person.

Thank you for the separation. I would have never thought that everything that comes in pairs is so precious, until I lost one of them. I would have never noticed how important small things are, until they have suddenly gone. I'm humbly grateful for everything I have now.

Thank you for bringing him back to me. I still don't know whether I ought to say this but anyway, I was glad he made a comeback.

Thank you for a short time of Long Distance Relationship between me and him. It taught me many lessons, it made me cerish our companionship even more.

Thank you for, eventually, making the "LOVE" word exist between me and him. It was something I long to hear for more than a year. something that made me so convinced, happy and feel loved.

Thank you for letting me be closer to his family and friends. No matter what, they have a special place in my heart.

Thank you for the break up again. It hurt, extremely hurt. But who am I to get upset for something I have no control over? At times, to truly love someone forces us to be less selfish. And by encouraging myself to walk away and let him — who wishes to be free— go no matter how much it hurts, I gave him my truly love.

And thank you to you. for dominating this year, for the love, for the unbearable pains, for the irreplaceable loss, for your adorable friends and lovely family, for making me a much stronger person; you made a great partner. the only thing I'd blame you for is making me fall deep in love with you and just leave me hanging here. as you left me with no goodbye, I just want you to know one thing, that.. even if it fell apart, even if it hurt me, I knew the dream that once mattered had come true. I was loved by you. and for that —once again— thank you.

Thank you 2011, I'm getting you over and done with. Thank you for the falls, I'll get up twice stronger. Looking forward for a much more awesome year ahead. Bring it on, 2012!

Love,
DindaZein

Di Sini.

Ingin rasanya saya pergi ke pondok tua yang sepi dari hingar bingar kota dan duduk di depan perapian. Saya ingin melihat api yang bergejolak memakan kayu-kayu lapuk perlahan dan bunyi-bunyi mementas. Saya ingin merasa hangat karena di situ saya mungkin akan merasa hidup lagi.

Yang terpenting bukan itu. Saya mengundang Tuhan duduk di depan saya. Sekedar menyeruput secongkir teh atau kopi lalu berbual lagi. Berbual tentang hidup yang kian absurd.

Kalau bahagia diciptakaan untuk dirasa, mungkin sengsara tercipta untuk disyukuri.
Tapi sayang, bahagia akan terasa manis hanya saat sengsara itu yang kian menemani. Itu. Itu yang saya ingin tanya kepada Tuhan, tentang keabadian dan keadilan. Entah bahagia — dan untungnya sengsara pun jua, tidak ada yang abadi. Kalau memang itu bentuk dari keadilannya, saya lalu mau bertanya, kenapa lalu sengsara lebih menyiksa? Apa karena rasa sedih jauh lebih sengit dibanding rasa bahagia?

Sini Tuhan, jelaskan.
Saya hanya butuh sedikit pengertian dan penjelasan itu.
Karena saya tahu, Engkau mampu melakukan hal-hal mustahil.
Dan cukup untuk engkau tau bahwa mustahil bagi saya untuk membenciMu walau sungguh, hidup terus terasa pahit akhir-akhir ini.

Jelasakan Tuhan, lalu buktikan.

what's stopping you from saying "I love you"?

I used to think (I do still, actually) that speaking or writing about love is kind of lame. It just sounds cheesy and rather naïve. However, you can't blame me for that since I have several reasons on defending myself; i.e "is love story between me and him supposed to be shared? does anyone give a damn of it??"

but well.. I happened to check my facebook just now. I read some recent updates from some of my facebook friends who are literally strangers. They — coincidentally — are boys. The statuses are saying about how they miss their girlfriends, how they really adore their girlfriends's hair and how they regret ignoring her that make her angry. They even copy some lyrics of songs that quite well known and add on their own words to emphasize it. Briefly, these guys confess and show their feelings towards their partner publicly.

amazingly, I smiled reading that. I didn't find it lame. I didn't think they are doing non sense. Instead, I was amazed by the fact there are guys who can publicly confess their true feelings on a social network in which the possibility of people reading them is quite big! I'm impressed by their effort, I completely adore them.

Am I being over? No. Why? First, prolly because its so rare of me nowadays to find men doing so. People these days decided to make their relationship story private. It's such confidential until they caught in a fight and they just can't stand not to brag or whine and because they have no one to talk to they decided to put some statuses with angst which at times full of dirty words or really sounds so emo and that's what I call "LAME".

Second, it beats the hell of my conviction that there's no more existence of loyal guys in the whole entire universe. They are becoming extinct. Let me get this straight. As I was saying above that nowadays people choose to keep their relationship private which means, they try hard not to share it publicly, which also means people might not know that they are actually attached. With that being said, there's some possibility of your partner cheat on you behind your back as people are innocently not knowing your relationship status. To make sense, by putting those kind of statutes on facebook, it implies that your man or your girl is enough being honest to let the world know that they feel enough to have you and how much you mean to them and won't let anyone fill in your place. I'm sure you get what I'm saying rite?

So yes, I was smiling when I read that. It got me to think, to feel and to ponder on how it feels to be that girl whom the partner proclaim their love to public in such a simple way? It sure must feel so good. and it must have been ages for me not receiving that kind of treatment till makes me trying to put myself on those girls's shoes in order to know what they feel.

It must feel damn good to know your partner is telling the world he just made his girl cry and he regrets it. It must feel too good to know your partner is telling the world you look so pretty on a date you had last nite. It must feel very good to know that he is saying "I love you" to you and let the world know it.

He might not directly say "I LOVE YOU" to you, but can't you comprehend that he's saying that in different ways? Yes darling, by putting those statuses on facebook, he wants his friends — to whom some of them are his exes, your foes, your exes, your frenemies or even your family members — know that he's vaguely saying "I LOVE YOU" to you.

Doesn't it feel nice when you happen to read your partner statuses or tweets which are talking about how proud they are to have you? to know that he's counting down to the date you will have on the weekend? I'm pretty sure it will make your day. Be that person, be the one who says it out publicly to make your partner happy.

You can say it. You can always say it — directly or indirectly, in public or private, you choose. A thing to borderline, if you wanna do it publicly, make sure you don't do it too often and in a appropriate way as there's a chance for people who happen to read it get sick of you and they might as well unfriend you from their facebook friends or worse, you will get insulted by them on twitter.

You somehow need to say it as a form of recognition. Who doesn't want to be recognized publicly anyway? No matter how confidential your relationship is, deep down inside her heart, she wants to be recognized, to be acknowledged that this guy is her only man and no girl is entitled to steal him from her. This could also be the reason for her to keep holding on and think that this relationship is worth the struggle.

You should just say what you feel — and sometimes publicly. Don't be afraid that you won't get a nice feedback. Loving someone isn’t about what they say back. In fact, if you really love someone, it shouldn’t matter in the slightest whether or not they love you too—you love them not as a means of asking them for something, but because you just, very simply, do.

To that end, you shouldn’t be afraid to say it. Not many people have the opportunity to love or be loved, and if you’ve allocated your affection wisely, even if your love doesn’t love you the same way, they will respect and be humbled by your proclamation. And it will probably make them feel great about themselves, which is something you should definitely want the person you love to feel.

There are thousand ways to say 'I love you". Not necessarily straightforward in oral, like I said, do it on your own way so long as you really mean it. It would be best if you want to let the world know it, because even only a status on facebook, a simple tweet with their name mentioned, some lyrics of your love songs or any other vague "I love you" that you utter, it could mean the world for her — or him.

Trust me, it never fails.



I love you,
DindaZein♥

I beg of You

God, what are you trying to say to me?
What are you gonna tell me?
Failures after failures.
Problems after problems.
What do they mean??

Am I supposed to give up?
Am I supposed to stop?

Can we talk about 'righteous' now?

I keep failing but I never give up as I know, you hate it.
I keep trying because I know.. I know I can make it.

Nothing is impossible rite?
NOTHING.
I believe in you, even after all the rejection I've got. After all the failur I've been through, I never lose my faith in you.
Because I know, You are always there.

You listen my prayers. You hear my scream. You indirectly talk to me in anyway possible.
I believe there's such miracle, for nothing you can't do.
I believe there's second chance, for you're Ar - Rahman.
I believe you know how much I want to be succeed, for you know what's inside my heart.

I believe in You, Almighty Allah.
You are the only one I worship, the only one that I believe, (even after all rejection I've got) will grant my prayers.

So here I am..
surrender myself while trying..
put my head down on you
wishing that for this time, you will hear my prayers and grant it.

because I know nothing is impossible for you.

I have faith in You, Allah.
I never lose it even for just once.

Lately

Hi, I'm still here and I think this is the first post of my blog being a 20 year old girl. Yes, I have just passed my lolita-stage in life. I felt old and was a bit baffled about what's gonna happen next in my twenty's life.

and now, I'm here purposely to tell you how's my life been going so far after I turned 20 years old. It's pretty much the same, my life still revolves around school, work and internet. nothing much happening unless my last trip to Bali and Gili Trawangan - Lombok which was actually a bday present for myself. I worked hard for it since all the budget came from my pocket, with my own money. Thank God the trip was worth the hard work. With 10 days, 6 hotels in different parts of Bali - Gili and 2 islands, it was worth the hard work. I enjoyed it, it turned out to be awesome.

After the trip, I'm back to my routine. Since I'm still on school holiday, I spend most of my time to work, and of course play around once in awhile (I'm young after all). But you know, I'm somehow fully aware that my life is actually getting so mundane. No, it's not because I work too hard or I dont enjoy my job, I do enjoy it. It's just.. I feel the urge to be versatile, break away from the same old routine.

I tried to figure out what's wrong with me, why I'm prone to be so stressful of doing things. Thence, some possibilities emerge.

First, it's probably because of my room. Yes I have to admit that it's sort of dull. I've been living inside my room for almost 2 years and nothing much has changed since the first I embarked my life here. Maybe I need some changes. This is my lil earth, the only private space I have in Singapore which is such a treasure to me. right after realizing it, I decided to make a lil renovation or at least decorate it. I promptly made a move since 2 days ago with Shelly and Zoe helping me. I went to thrift shop and got 2 drawers for $20 only, so worth it rite? Then I went to Daiso. I'm trying to make the best effort with the least money spending. Hopefully it will turn out good.

Second, I suppose that I over worked. I meant, without having any certain purpose, I've been working too hard. If I compare my salary in the past 2 months to prior to my holiday started, I've earned so much money (not to forget to be grateful for it). but then, as we earn much, we tend to spend much too. that's one of the law in economics, rite? my parents still give me allowance. even more I'm gleefully sending my gratitude to them for not caring and touching a penny of my own money. but as a feedback, I pay my own bills. No, this doesnt burden me. just maybe this could be the reason of my existence in Breko, to pay my own bills. It's also such a reminder to me that being twenty is about responsibility.

Third, he made a came back. Yes he, that guy, is Syaff. We've started to talk to each other since I was in Bali through Whatsapp and still continue until 2 days ago. It was quite intense, we talked about stuff, even I myself asked for clarification of what has happened between us as well as spilling out my feelings to him. He listened to me and did apologize. Zoe asked me the other day, whether or not I still want him to be my side and I was so convinced to say, "NO, I dont want him". what's the reason behind me saying that? first, it's bcs I still cant forget about what he has done to me. I reckon it's hard for us to sincerely forgive someone if we still cant forget about their faults. He's been forgiven, far before he came up to me. But I cant seem to forget ALL, all remembrances between me and him, every lil things he did to me. I kinda have a trauma and I'm so conscious of the fact that he would do the same thing and there is possibility for him to hurt me again.

But maybe.. maybe he knows how to get my heart back. or maybe.. I'm weak in this game. I'm scared, I'm afraid, I'm frightened that he's not that worth it and the ending wont turn out any better. and eventually, I'm the one who will suffer the most.

and hence, I can say that I'm depressed. I have to be very strategic in my decision making and think of all the possible outcomes before proceeding. I know it's not good to be overly thinking, but extra thought now could save me from wasting time later.

Constantly plagued by thoughts of life being so "mundane", mentally vocalized in a voice of complete and utter conviction.

Love,
DindaZein

can you live without love? please attach some reasons to espouse your answer.

can you live without love? please attach some reasons to espouse your answer.

Answer here

waiting on a promise

" I'll still be here for you syafira. I'll be around, you are not alone "

" Thank you "

" And I will take you out on your birthday, that's a promise "

" No need to promise me anything "

" Okay I wont, but I will take you out on your birthday "


you know why I didn't want you to promise me anything? it's because I'm kind of person who will always keep someone's promise. why? because when someone promises me a thing, they get my hopes up.

so now, on exactly a month before I'm turning 20 years old next month, I'm waiting on your promise albeit I doubt it.
I doubt you'll fulfill your promise if, up until now, you never try to finish the game we played.
how will you fulfill your promise if you seem to avoid me?

but dear, I'm still waiting. not actually waiting on your promise, but I'm waiting on your nerve if you dare enough to realize it. I'm waiting to see if you still remember that once in your life, when you felt guilty to me, you uttered a promise that is possible to become an empty promise.

earth revolves around, kids grow up, some gain weight, I'm getting old because nothing remains the same.

I stumble upon my old folder on my laptop titled March which stored all my photos taken some day in March last year. I looked through all the contents there and was quite surprised when I noticed some changes in myself within one year only. and what's more surprising, it turns out to be regressions in myself due to some reasons. first, gosh, I put on weight a lot. that's so obvious if you compare my cheeks last year and my current cheeks! not even gonna lie, I'm so sad about this and I've been fretting over this since like three months ago. second, I miss my old skin. it seemed to be very soft, maintained and natural albeit it still got pimples. I have pimples even up until now, but I'm getting more realized that my pimples present are worse than before and I'm over sad about this! I shouldn't put make up that much.

other than that, just some change on my hair style. I kept my bangs last year and it looked kinda cute. now I keep it grow and long as I realise I'm turning 20 in less than two months but there are still many people guess my age younger than the real it is and I couldn't be happier if they suppose it up to 3 years younger. however, to be honest, I dont like to keep my bangs long. it makes me look much older than my age and I don't like it. not mentioning that I would also look much chubbier. I've been considering whether or not I should cut my bangs cause I don't wanna regret it when I have my bangs short then I open photos of mine who had long bangs then say to myself "I should keep it!".

well, the thing is, I'm getting more aware of the fact that nothing will remain the same as days will continue to change, time flies, kids grow up, elderly grow old, people come yet some leave and earth will never stop rotating. so thence, I'm not supposed to go reverse the gravity by not willing to get older and change.

here's some photos of mine which was taken in different year, 2010 and 2011.
and these are the 2010 ones which I still looked "okay" with my lovely bangs. oh i kinda miss it!

and these are................... *sigh my recently photos, with my long bangs and chubby cheeks and, dont you think I look so mature? I dislike it actually. nevertheless, again, I'm growing up. I should look much more older than what people have been supposing. oh yes some were edited, only the colors tho.










I will not say anything as regards of these photos but, you, you are always welcome if you wanna comment them thru my formspring.

xoxo
DindaZen

... because everyone is strong in their own way.

I don't mean to praise myself, but many of my friends say that I'm one of those strong and independent girls they have ever known. I'm not so sure why they ever conveyed so but if i could guess perhaps it's because I'm young, I've been through a lot of obstacles in my life and I completely survived.

but.. truth to be told, sometimes i feel tired of being a strong girl. being a girl who manage to get through and solve all issues she has by herself. being a girl who always tries to count on herself although sometimes she can't take it. sometimes, i'm tired of fighting for my conviction. but i just cant give up easily on my desire, on my dreams and my wants because I know nothing we cant reach so long as we strive to get it.

I sometimes cry. I whine. I blame. I dismay. I revile. I grudge. I disappoint. I'm delicate. I'm weak. I'm spoilt. I'm grieved. I'm so far from perfection. but why people say I'm strong? they say it's all because I never easily give up and always attempt to look okay despite I am not. and why do keep doing that? because i always think that there isn't any need for the whole word to know all the bad sides of me, to know my grief, to know my disappointment and to know all my weakness. it's not that I'm fake, it's the way I opt to portray for all of you to see.

it's not wrong to pretend you are happy although some say that people who pretend to be happy are actually the most sad and unstable, so I hear. but, here I stand oppose it. that is totally wrong because, to me, pretending to be happy when you are in pain is just an instance of how strong you are as a person.

being strong is more than being able to keep your head up high and continue on.
being strong means to keep yourself at a level higher than those that are trying to bring you down.
and that's what i always tell to myself in order to keep myself strong.

you don't have to run to chase your goal, just walk slowly but dont stop. don't ever stop. if you are tired, you may take a rest while look back on what you have achieved. make it all as the trigger to keep on walking.

if you got your heart broken, be selfish. eat a lot, go often, do everything wich make yourself happy. you gotta know there are so much more things in life that are worth fighting for. keep calm and run as fast as you can. move on. it's easier said than done, I know. but do try to. life wouldn't wait for you to revolve until you cure the wounds, until you get rid of all memories. life goes on and you have to keep going or you will be left behind.

if you get hurt, that's how you learn. the strongest people out there, the one who laugh the hardest with the genuine smile, those are the people who have fought the toughest battles. because they celebrate their triumph, they don't give up. they've decided they are not going to let anything hold them down. they are showing the world who strong people are like.

i believe, we are all strong. you and I are strong. we are strong in our own way. there's no limit for us not to keep strong as well as no reasons not to be the ones.

because..
by being strong, you indirectly toughen up yourself.
by being strong, people will look up to you
and by being strong you will realise how strong you are due to no other choice but to be strong.

keep yourself at a level much higher than where you're currently standing. be strong or be stronger.

xoxo
DindaZein

TCM Remembers Elizabeth Taylor

“An icon of old and new Hollywood, she defined modern celebrity - and America couldn’t take its eyes off her.”

RIP Elizabeth Taylor.

Good Books and a Nice Bag Made My Day

I'm having short schedule at work. yesterday i stayed at home for a whole day and did all chores. and as usual, i was literally awake at nite without doing anything. i then realised it's been so long since i spent my time on reading. i definitely need new reads! thus, today i purposely went out to get a book. Bras Basah was the first thing popped out on my mind due to some reasons. first, it's well-known as a place where you can purchase cheap books - mostly second books- 2. i'd never been there before.

so yeah, i went there and took some picts!

so yeah, this is Bras Basah Complex. it's like a decent building with 4 levels.

Friendship Psalms.

Happenings

Julius Caesar script

untitled book but the owner wrote the date when he bought it. if i'm not mistaken it was in 1975

I wasn't born when this mags released

I first found a book (the small one) and I showed it to Zoe. it turned out Zoe likes it also! and whats good? we managed to find another one although with different price. and what's good again? uncle owner gave us the same price for two! yay, i'm so gonna eat this book soon! :)

and oh, I think I shouldn't come over my favorite stall just now. you know i always cant stand the urge to buy bags rite? so, I ended up buy this bag for.. $... (the price is a secret!) hehe. dont you think is cute? :)

I actually still have some more photos but i think i wont post it now. anyways, im so literally tired, i might sleep early tonite and gonna start reading the book tomorrow. so enough for today. you guys have a good nite sleep!

xoxo
DindaZein

OUR PILLOW

on our silent night, we put our heads on a single pile of cotton pads facing each other. i saw your eyelids closed and i felt peaceful, for your hand leaned on my body, for your sweat permeated my skin and for your breath roared through your snore.

i moved my hand, fixing my sleep position which resulted you to wake up. "the night is still young, i just want to snooze" you said with a queer voice. "isn't night forever young for us?" i questioned you. then you opened your eyes and stared at me, deeply. "should the world know that nights were made only for the two of us?", you said with a small smile etched on your face and soft eyes that were trying to open. i looked deep into your eyes and smiled before i turned my body to the other side. you grabbed me tight and kissed my shoulder.

back to you, i closed my eyes. i felt the warmth of the pillow with your smell lingers on it. it brought me back to the first night when i opted to let myself share this pillow with you and lived the night with our talks, our jokes and our thoughts. without words, i traced your story and you probably traced mine; without you knowing it, i encountered plenty of facts about you and possibly vice versa. lies were just those things between fear; admiration was just the thing between disappointment; and longing were just those things between lusts. ignore the negativity, i convinced myself that i made a right decision. you weren't sort of stranger i was afraid of. you weren't like those cowards who could dump me away with something left unsaid. i told myself that you were exceptional, again and again.

but then again, those thing got me questioning.

"what if i am wrong? will there come a morning when i wake up with such self loathing for what i've been believing?" asking me at heart.

i turned to you sleeping beside me and I asked,

"what if one morning i wake up with hatred of you inside my heart, for making my pillow doesn't feel this warm anymore?"

but you did not reply, for you were deep in your slumber where the night was still bathed with morning dew and others were asleep with you.

Commonwealth, 22/03/2011 5:59 am, for a fiction when insomnia ravished me.

consuetude

it's so normal to say sorry when we have faults, when we hurt someone, when we make someone we care about upset or we abandon things we used to take care of. at this moment, let me address my apology for abandoning my blog for - forever.

i really am sorry.

call me a moody, i wont be peeved.
but it's also because my life has been so mundane.
i've been taking part time since last October at one of Cafe in Holland Village named Breko. i'm a counter staff there. yes i enjoy what ive been doing despite sometime, not gonna lie, my colleagues including my boss piss me off.
my job really is tiring. even more tiring when i have closing shift which ends at 1 am. I reach home around 1.30 am and hit my bed at almost 3 am. furthermore, i work for 3 up to 4 days in a week. can i say it's understandable if my blog has been abandoned? not mentioning my obligatory to study and piles of assignments i have to do. i really need more than 24 hours in a day.

what else? my story with Syaff?
im so not going to tell this now. im under recovery. i still have my wounds open.
but here's im giving you a clue. it's tragically over.
and i promise i'll tell you the "why" later on.

so, i'm back.
with new soul, new spirit and new blog template (not forgetting to say thank you to Lika for beautifying my blog. u are a darling), new blog name (which it used to be "The Pieces of Me" if you notice. and why it's been changed to be "Luxxie"? there will be a post regarding this change) and new blog theme.

let's just put a hope i'll keep writing on this blog and i wish you guys still willing to read my post.

xoxo,
DindaSyafiraZein

Shah - Syafira - Syaff

In this post, I'll tell you the story how I got to meet Syaff. Perhaps, this sounds so much charade, or just let's say too novel, but no dear.. This is the true story. True story that happened in my real life which sometimes gave me a frown.

Actually, you can know my introduction with Syaff from one of my posting titled "Are We Dating?". There, I wrote about my meeting with Shah, the guy who I encountered when I was buying a tix to Jakarta or the guy who so will I call "the guy that I used to date". Well, I don't think I ever dated him since I think what happened between Shah and I that nite was only going out due to I slowly went away as my rejection towards him. Nothing special happened between us. No romance, we didn't even hold our hands and we didn't get along afterwards. But then, because of he told his friends that he wanted to be serious with me and he said he liked me alot, so his friends recognized me as his dating.

In a nut shell, I rejected him. I came to the idea to add Syaff thru Shah's facebook. I made it to add him and he sent me a massage right after he approved me. We were chatting until we finally decided to date and still carry on until now. Truth to be told, I've been interested in him since the beginning. If I compare Shah with Syaff, I think I will pick Syaff since beginning, Hehe.. Why? Because he's counted as my type. I like his body, bulky body. He's tall, of course taller than Shah, I like his style that nite and I also like him because he wears spects! nonsense? whatever.. Hehe.

Apparently, things weren't going as easy as I thought. In order to date with him who is Shah's best friend, I sort of had to get permission from his group fellows, The Snigles since they both are in. Many argues and many disagrees as if this issue is so debatable.

Anyways, I finally met Shah's at Wann's place when I was having iftar together with The Snigles. There was the first time I met him since the last we went out. I got shocked when Syaff told me Syaff came along. He looked at me with odd narrowed eyes, like telling "I can't believe you guys are really dating". So yeah, there were we, Shah - Syafira - Syaff together for the first time. I tried so hard to control my self. All I could do was looking down shyly until Shah walked next to me and started to make a small talk to break the ice. I know now he have a girlfriend right two weeks after we went out, so I picked it as my topic. I forgot any how it was but then Shah brought up our story. I still remember what he said.

"Actually, this is hard for me. Hard, Dinda, hard. But.. the past is the past. I'm happy if you are happy"

In God's name, I was so shocked that time. Syaff was far walking ahead of me. I didnt know what to say.. All I said was.. "Sorry Shah, I never meant to..". Sounds lame, I know. whatever.

We gathered together at Wann's, enjoyed her meals which were nice. Seriously, I think all the people there were also shocked when they saw us together. Once again, I tried so hard to take it for granted. That also happened because I was having a period torture which was so painful. Caught a moment when I was groaning in pain, Shah looked at me and he was like giving a full attention to me in front of others. What the hell? She made me rigid pale!! But once again, I smoothly ignored him.

After that day, Syaff told me that when Shah and Neneh were having a ciggy break, Shah told Neneh who I am. He said like "You know the girl that with Syaff now? She's my ex dating. When I was with her, she always said she's too busy to go with me .but see? now she can go out with Syaff?". Luckily Neneh reacted like "It's just a bluff. She's not interested in you".

I didn't tell Syaff about what Shah was telling me about, but then I think Syaff needs to know about this as of I made it to tell him. He was fine and cool about that. He even recounted me about the nite when he first met me. He said, he didn't expect he would be likeing me since I'm short. However, when we were sitting together and I talked about a lots of thing, he found it I'm so interesting. First, because I'm able to speak in English. Second, because I looked cute and it somewhat reminded him of his ex (this one sucks!) . I remember me and Shah went home earlier than others. There he said he was like "ah man, don't let her go please.. I want to know more about this girl!". Hahaha.. what a nice confession!!

Later on, he still thought of myself. he was so curious about me. In order to quest his thirst, he searched my facebook and successfully found me. You know what he was thinking about? He should date me! He told me exactly like this "I think I should date her. She can speak English, she seems to be interesting" HAHA, boy I know you like me from the start! admit it!!

It turns out fact gives the reality in which we are finally together. I should thank to Shah, without him I will never meet Syaff. But I also should ask for forgiveness for indirectly hurt him. He should know that I never meant to ditch him, I just feel couldnt get along with him. And for Syaff, I know I still have many pieces of paper of which he will likely still be written there.

This is not a love-triangle, I think this is just a fabulous accident. Or.. can I just take this as a fate?

Love,
DindaZein

Romansome Days

Last July, I forgot when exactly it was, I went back to my hometown for awhile before Ramadhan for about 2 weeks. I was being apart with him. We could only communicate through Facebook and MSN. Then, I would never have guessed that he felt lonely and miss me. I captured some of my conversation with him.































I believe the power of patience. Patience is a virtue. Apparently, sometimes you have to be separated from a person you love just to realize how close you really want to be with them.

Tante Shanty's Wedding!

JULY 31st 2010
Held in Hotel Selanbintana-Sukabumi (our family's hotel), my auntie who is well-known as a singer, Annisa Nurul Shanty Kusuma Wardhani Heryadhie got married with a guy from Equador Mr. Sebastian Paredes. The wedding went well, simple but quite lively.

Never seen my auntie that happy. She finally became Mrs.Paredes!

luring people to do "poco-poco"




singing "Oh Kasih"

my auntie and my mom. aren't they beautiful?

my parents

Me & my youngest auntie. We used to be "twins" :)