Hi, I'm still here and I think this is the first post of my blog being a 20 year old girl. Yes, I have just passed my lolita-stage in life. I felt old and was a bit baffled about what's gonna happen next in my twenty's life.
and now, I'm here purposely to tell you how's my life been going so far after I turned 20 years old. It's pretty much the same, my life still revolves around school, work and internet. nothing much happening unless my last trip to Bali and Gili Trawangan - Lombok which was actually a bday present for myself. I worked hard for it since all the budget came from my pocket, with my own money. Thank God the trip was worth the hard work. With 10 days, 6 hotels in different parts of Bali - Gili and 2 islands, it was worth the hard work. I enjoyed it, it turned out to be awesome.
After the trip, I'm back to my routine. Since I'm still on school holiday, I spend most of my time to work, and of course play around once in awhile (I'm young after all). But you know, I'm somehow fully aware that my life is actually getting so mundane. No, it's not because I work too hard or I dont enjoy my job, I do enjoy it. It's just.. I feel the urge to be versatile, break away from the same old routine.
I tried to figure out what's wrong with me, why I'm prone to be so stressful of doing things. Thence, some possibilities emerge.
First, it's probably because of my room. Yes I have to admit that it's sort of dull. I've been living inside my room for almost 2 years and nothing much has changed since the first I embarked my life here. Maybe I need some changes. This is my lil earth, the only private space I have in Singapore which is such a treasure to me. right after realizing it, I decided to make a lil renovation or at least decorate it. I promptly made a move since 2 days ago with Shelly and Zoe helping me. I went to thrift shop and got 2 drawers for $20 only, so worth it rite? Then I went to Daiso. I'm trying to make the best effort with the least money spending. Hopefully it will turn out good.
Second, I suppose that I over worked. I meant, without having any certain purpose, I've been working too hard. If I compare my salary in the past 2 months to prior to my holiday started, I've earned so much money (not to forget to be grateful for it). but then, as we earn much, we tend to spend much too. that's one of the law in economics, rite? my parents still give me allowance. even more I'm gleefully sending my gratitude to them for not caring and touching a penny of my own money. but as a feedback, I pay my own bills. No, this doesnt burden me. just maybe this could be the reason of my existence in Breko, to pay my own bills. It's also such a reminder to me that being twenty is about responsibility.
Third, he made a came back. Yes he, that guy, is Syaff. We've started to talk to each other since I was in Bali through Whatsapp and still continue until 2 days ago. It was quite intense, we talked about stuff, even I myself asked for clarification of what has happened between us as well as spilling out my feelings to him. He listened to me and did apologize. Zoe asked me the other day, whether or not I still want him to be my side and I was so convinced to say, "NO, I dont want him". what's the reason behind me saying that? first, it's bcs I still cant forget about what he has done to me. I reckon it's hard for us to sincerely forgive someone if we still cant forget about their faults. He's been forgiven, far before he came up to me. But I cant seem to forget ALL, all remembrances between me and him, every lil things he did to me. I kinda have a trauma and I'm so conscious of the fact that he would do the same thing and there is possibility for him to hurt me again.
But maybe.. maybe he knows how to get my heart back. or maybe.. I'm weak in this game. I'm scared, I'm afraid, I'm frightened that he's not that worth it and the ending wont turn out any better. and eventually, I'm the one who will suffer the most.
and hence, I can say that I'm depressed. I have to be very strategic in my decision making and think of all the possible outcomes before proceeding. I know it's not good to be overly thinking, but extra thought now could save me from wasting time later.
and now, I'm here purposely to tell you how's my life been going so far after I turned 20 years old. It's pretty much the same, my life still revolves around school, work and internet. nothing much happening unless my last trip to Bali and Gili Trawangan - Lombok which was actually a bday present for myself. I worked hard for it since all the budget came from my pocket, with my own money. Thank God the trip was worth the hard work. With 10 days, 6 hotels in different parts of Bali - Gili and 2 islands, it was worth the hard work. I enjoyed it, it turned out to be awesome.
After the trip, I'm back to my routine. Since I'm still on school holiday, I spend most of my time to work, and of course play around once in awhile (I'm young after all). But you know, I'm somehow fully aware that my life is actually getting so mundane. No, it's not because I work too hard or I dont enjoy my job, I do enjoy it. It's just.. I feel the urge to be versatile, break away from the same old routine.
I tried to figure out what's wrong with me, why I'm prone to be so stressful of doing things. Thence, some possibilities emerge.
First, it's probably because of my room. Yes I have to admit that it's sort of dull. I've been living inside my room for almost 2 years and nothing much has changed since the first I embarked my life here. Maybe I need some changes. This is my lil earth, the only private space I have in Singapore which is such a treasure to me. right after realizing it, I decided to make a lil renovation or at least decorate it. I promptly made a move since 2 days ago with Shelly and Zoe helping me. I went to thrift shop and got 2 drawers for $20 only, so worth it rite? Then I went to Daiso. I'm trying to make the best effort with the least money spending. Hopefully it will turn out good.
Second, I suppose that I over worked. I meant, without having any certain purpose, I've been working too hard. If I compare my salary in the past 2 months to prior to my holiday started, I've earned so much money (not to forget to be grateful for it). but then, as we earn much, we tend to spend much too. that's one of the law in economics, rite? my parents still give me allowance. even more I'm gleefully sending my gratitude to them for not caring and touching a penny of my own money. but as a feedback, I pay my own bills. No, this doesnt burden me. just maybe this could be the reason of my existence in Breko, to pay my own bills. It's also such a reminder to me that being twenty is about responsibility.
Third, he made a came back. Yes he, that guy, is Syaff. We've started to talk to each other since I was in Bali through Whatsapp and still continue until 2 days ago. It was quite intense, we talked about stuff, even I myself asked for clarification of what has happened between us as well as spilling out my feelings to him. He listened to me and did apologize. Zoe asked me the other day, whether or not I still want him to be my side and I was so convinced to say, "NO, I dont want him". what's the reason behind me saying that? first, it's bcs I still cant forget about what he has done to me. I reckon it's hard for us to sincerely forgive someone if we still cant forget about their faults. He's been forgiven, far before he came up to me. But I cant seem to forget ALL, all remembrances between me and him, every lil things he did to me. I kinda have a trauma and I'm so conscious of the fact that he would do the same thing and there is possibility for him to hurt me again.
But maybe.. maybe he knows how to get my heart back. or maybe.. I'm weak in this game. I'm scared, I'm afraid, I'm frightened that he's not that worth it and the ending wont turn out any better. and eventually, I'm the one who will suffer the most.
and hence, I can say that I'm depressed. I have to be very strategic in my decision making and think of all the possible outcomes before proceeding. I know it's not good to be overly thinking, but extra thought now could save me from wasting time later.
Love,
DindaZein
DindaZein
